Dust Mites to Humans: ‘We’re The Captain Now’ – Hanks and Bezos Infected!

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The world awoke today to an unsettling revelation: Dust mites, those minute creatures lurking in your mattresses, have developed mind-control capabilities and have already claimed some high-profile victims.

Beloved actor Tom Hanks and Amazon tycoon Jeff Bezos have reportedly fallen victim to these microscopic puppeteers. Both started exhibiting strange behaviors recently that can only be explained by this newly discovered parasitic mind control.

“We thought it was just another eccentric billionaire move,” said a source close to Bezos, “like buying another giant clock or trying to colonize Mars. But when he began hoarding cracker crumbs and insisting on sleeping in a queen-sized bed with 200-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, we knew something was up.”

Meanwhile, Hanks began posting strange, nonsensical scripts on social media about life as a dust mite, in what we now know is the dust mites’ attempt to infiltrate Hollywood and spread their message to the masses.

“I got a call from Tom,” shared Steven Spielberg, longtime collaborator with Hanks. “He had a script idea about a romantic adventure between two dust mites in a futon on the International Space Station. I thought it was a joke, but he seemed serious.”

Researchers have been taken aback by this discovery, recalling parasitic creatures known for their mind-control abilities, like the fungi Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, which zombifies ants. “It seems the dust mites have taken a leaf out of the fungi’s book,” exclaimed Dr. Isit Real from the Scientific Institute for Paranormal Parasites.

Speculation abounds that this mind control is part of a larger plot by the dust mites to take over the world. There are whispers that the mites are mobilizing their forces in mattresses, carpets, and pillows across the globe, awaiting the command from their now well-positioned commanders.

Despite the alarm, some people have taken the news in stride. “So, my dust allergy could potentially turn me into a mind-controlled minion?” queried allergy sufferer Ivana Sneeze. “I suppose it’s another good reason to keep up with the vacuuming.”

As we wait for further developments in this unprecedented story, remember to be wary of anyone who suddenly develops an unexplained affection for dust bunnies or starts lobbying for the ‘Rights of Dust Mites’. You never know who might be the next puppet in this dust mite masterplan!