Wednesday, June 12, 2024

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    Fast & Furiously Wealthy: Vin Diesel Signs Ludicrous $75 Billion Deal for a Decade of Furiousness

    LOS ANGELES, CA – In an unprecedented move, Universal Pictures has guaranteed that Earth’s rotation will synchronize to the engine roars of ‘Fast & Furious’ for at least another decade. The movie studio has reportedly signed an extraordinary contract for an additional ten films in the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise, locking in Vin Diesel with a colossal paycheck of $75 billion.

    “No amount of NOS could have accelerated us to foresee this kind of ludicrous deal,” said Ima Stunned, a seasoned Hollywood analyst. “It seems like Diesel is not only defying gravity in his movies but also in the realm of film contracts.”

    Vin Diesel, now indisputably the wealthiest man in Hollywood and rivaling the GDP of some small countries, was surprisingly nonchalant about the entire ordeal. When asked how he felt about the record-breaking deal, he simply growled, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time,” before getting into a souped-up Dodge Charger and vanishing in a cloud of dust.

    Universal Pictures CEO, Notta Lottacash, shed light on the rationale behind this enormous gamble. “Look, the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise isn’t just about cars that ignore the basic laws of physics anymore. It’s about family, about connection, about how many sequels we can churn out before we run out of synonyms for ‘speed’. It’s only logical to pay Vin in accordance with this grand vision.”

    There are also whispers in the corridors of Universal Pictures about potential plots for these forthcoming films. “We’re exploring all kinds of avenues,” revealed a source close to the matter. “Fast & Furious 23: Black Holes & Bugattis. Fast & Furious 24: Quantum Torque. Fast & Furious 25: Dial M for Maserati. And don’t even get me started on the crossover possibilities. ‘Jurassic Parking Lot’, anyone?”

    The news has been met with mixed reactions from the fan base. While some are stoked to see ten more installations of their favorite franchise, others are worried that Diesel might run out of muscles to flex or cars to total before the 10-movie arc concludes.

    Amidst this whirlwind, Diesel has reportedly been spotted meeting with Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, sparking rumors about possible investments in space travel. This has led fans to speculate about an eventual ‘Fast & Furious’ in space. After all, with the laws of physics already out of the window, it would be a small hop from defying gravity to defying the vacuum of space.

    Will the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise lead to an actual race among billionaires for intergalactic dominance? Will Diesel’s growl be the first sound heard on Mars? Only time will tell. Until then, buckle up and stay tuned for an extraordinary, adrenaline-fueled ride. Fasten your seat belts, folks, it’s going to be a furiously bumpy decade!

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