NEW YORK, NY — In a move that would make King Kong beam with pride, the NASDAQ has announced it is officially yielding its stock trading operations to a troop of dart-throwing monkeys. This stunning development follows an annual tradition where monkeys have been outperforming stockbrokers since 1978.
The monkeys, known within Wall Street as the “Bull Market Baboons,” have consistently outplayed human brokers with their dart-throwing selections, leaving economists, traders, and zoologists alike scratching their heads.
“Every year, it’s the same story,” admitted former top broker, Ivana Trade. “The monkeys just keep hitting bullseyes. It’s like ‘Planet of the Apes’ meets ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’.”
According to a NASDAQ spokesperson, this transition to primate power aims to capitalize on the monkeys’ uncanny knack for picking winners. “They don’t just monkey around, you know. These apes have a remarkable track record. Plus, they accept bananas as bonuses. Think of the cost savings!”
Following this handover, Wall Street has turned into a veritable concrete jungle, with monkeys making trades and occasionally breaking for a game of ‘Monkey Jumping on the Trading Desk’, a delightful twist on the age-old children’s game.
With the primate takeover, changes have been made to the daily operations. The opening bell has been replaced by a boisterous round of monkey hoots. The trading floor, once characterized by frantic brokers waving papers, is now dominated by swinging simians, chattering away in their own ‘stock market speak.’
As the news hit the street, reactions varied from astonishment to amusement. Some welcomed the change, hoping for a stock market as volatile yet consistently rewarding as a banana tree. Detractors argue it’s a harebrained scheme that will result in a ‘bananapocalypse’ of the economy.
Meanwhile, Wall Street traders are left wondering what’s next for them. “Do we up our dart game, learn monkey speak, or perhaps switch careers to zookeeping?” pondered one displaced broker.
Only time will tell if this bold move is sheer genius or just monkey business. Until then, Wall Street is enjoying its newfound status as the world’s most expensive jungle gym. So buckle up, investors! The monkeys are in charge, and it’s going to be one wild ride.
