The Apocalypse is upon us, dear readers! No, seriously, we’ve got a reliable tip that the world is ending in exactly 15 minutes. This revelation comes from a notable potato chip bag that spontaneously self-identified as a prophet after being nuked in a microwave on popcorn mode. So, to quote the immortal words of the Chipocalypse, “Get ready to dip into the end times.”
According to the prophetic snack food, the four horsemen of the apocalypse – War, Famine, Death, and Fart (or so the chip tells us) – will be arriving shortly to lay waste to the world. They’ll be arriving by bus, as their horses are all being serviced at the Celestial Stables (Famine’s horse had a case of hay fever, if you can believe that). However, the bus is driven by a sloth, so there’s a small chance they might be a little late.
The prophet chip was initially overlooked due to its unconventional shape (it somewhat resembles President Abraham Lincoln in profile if you squint and tilt your head to the side), but once it began dictating doomsday predictions in iambic pentameter, it was hard to ignore. These revelations have not yet been confirmed by any major religious or scientific institutions, but it’s hard to argue with a potato chip that thinks it’s Nostradamus.
All we know is, we’ve got 15 minutes, and if the world is ending, we have some advice for you: Stop reading this article, go find your loved ones, and maybe get a quick game of hide-and-seek in before the end times. Or perhaps you should consider mending fences with your estranged pet goldfish who’s been giving you the cold shoulder ever since you forgot to feed it last Tuesday.
A public service announcement from the Office of Chipocalypse Preparedness advises us to “Accept the end with dignity and perhaps with a cold beer in hand. But please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t start a flash mob to ‘It’s the End of the World as We Know It.’ That’s just cliché.”
As the final countdown begins, we leave you with these profound words from our prophetic potato chip: “Remember, when the world is your oyster, it doesn’t matter if you’re allergic to shellfish. Enjoy the end. Salt and vinegar flavor, signing off.”
So, it’s been real folks. If the chip is right, it’s been a fun ride and we’ll see you on the other side. If it’s wrong, well, apologies in advance for any unnecessary panic, and remind us never to trust talking snacks again.